I have spent the last four years of my life in a pretty dark place. That's when my job went from being what I thought of as my ministry to a full blown nightmare. Trying so hard to help people that so desperately need it, only to be met with hatred and close minded people.
I tried everything I knew how to do to express love and care to them. A few eventually opened up to me but to the majority, I was just a person that was seen as temporary, naive and out of touch with their world. Being me, I thought, "It was just a bad year, I need to stick it out. I cant give up on these kids!". It took a long uncomfortable look in the mirror for me to see what was happening to me.
Physically, I was having more and more migraines, had outbreaks of rashes, I got sick more and more and I was just down right depressed with the stress and hopelessness I felt with all of it. I was always moody and quick to snap at people. I began withdrawing from my family and friends, until it finally got to the point tha I was going to work and coming home. That was it. No family visits. No road trips to see friends. Nothing. I tried to avoid people because I was emotionally exhausted all the time and I was afraid...I was afraid that the people I loved would look at me and see what I knew was there. An angry, bitter beaten up version of me. One that I didnt like and one that I was ashamed for them to see.
See...I had to "toughen up" in order to survive the day at work. I was told EVERY week that I cared too much..that my kids would only abuse my kind attitude...that I wouldnt make a difference with my kids because the kids didnt care, the school didnt care and the parents didnt care. Can you imagine??? Is that not heart breakingly sad to anyone else?
I know that being a Christian does not mean you have found the key to easy living..that there wont be bumps and potholes down the road....and I know that because I am a Christian, it is almost guaranteed that I will be talked about and mistreated at times. As long as I have Him, I can handle that. But I have lost my way. I have become more like the world than like the Savior. Somewhere along the way I let go of my compassion and love for others and traded it in for a thick skin and a sarcastic tongue.
The last four school years have broken me. I have left each day, HEARTBROKEN, for my kids and my school. EVERY day of every week for four years. So with a heavy heart, I continuously prayed that He would take me out of that situation and put me in a place where I could heal and pick up the pieces of my life..and then take me where He needs me. I want to be used. I want my life to be consumed with His love again.
So here I sit, with tears streaming down my face, bearing my shame and ugliness....ready to lay it down and start new. I have no idea what life here is going to look like. I'm waiting for the next piece of the puzzle. But I'm here...
No comments:
Post a Comment